How Can I Have a Healthy Relationship, Even If I've Been Hurt?

Question:
What do you do when your father hurt your mother so much, and you feel like you can't do anything? How do you deal with a lost of trust with him and guys because of what your father did?

Answered by Mrs. P.:
Many of us have been hurt by someone who was trusted by God with the responsibility of protecting us and demonstrating love toward us. For some, that has been our father. For others, our mother. And for others, a sibling, relative, or even an older friend.

But how can we live in such a way so that the hurt and disappointment does not keep us from being in healthy, loving, trusting relationships throughout our lifetime? That, in essence, is the question being asked.

I have a few suggestions, based on my own person experiences as well as from the breadth of material I've read about this particular subject. Here are some important points to consider:

Reality 1: We'll Always Be at the Risk of Being Hurt and Afraid of Others Because of Sin
Why do we have to experience these hurts inflicted by the person who ought to have loved us? Because we live in an imperfect world filled with imperfect people. In other words, we are ALL sinners. Every single living, breathing human being sins.

Romans 3:23
...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God...

Sin simply means disobedience to God, and in particular His Word. Instead of being loving, we are selfish. Instead of being gentle, we're angry. Instead of humble, proud. We don't do what God says, which is best for us and others, because we live by our own feelings and wrong beliefs about God, ourselves, and even our loved ones. In the process, we hurt those we are supposed to love. Like the way this father has hurt not only his wife, but also his daughter, in the question above.

Reality 2: We Can Set the Hurt Free Through Forgiveness
If we pause to think about ourselves for a moment, we can quickly add up our sins. If not, we aren't looking closely enough. But why do I ask you to look at your own sins? Because when we realize we need to be forgiven, we find the ability to forgive others, and by doing so move into a healthy place of healing instead of living with our hurts holding us captive.

As we think of Jesus' blood, shed on the cross for our sin, we just might remember that His blood was also shed on account of those who've sinned against us -- or the ones we love. We're all equal, in that regard, and all need our merciful God to forgive us as well as teach us how to forgive, for that is where we are set free to live our lives in the here and now and will be able to engage in healthy relationships.

Matthew 6:9-15

⁹"This, then, is how you should pray:
" 'Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
¹⁰your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
¹¹Give us today our daily bread.
¹²Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
¹³And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.' ¹⁴For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. ¹⁵But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

Reality 3: We Must Find the Truth
When we've been hurt by someone who was supposed to love us, our ability to trust that person has been crushed. As a matter of fact, anyone that reminds us of that person has unintentionally, by association, also lost our trust. So in this particular question, fear of not trusting guys because of dad's behavior, is a very real problem. The way to combat that tendency is to consider the truth, which is that dad does not represent all male species. He is one man, one sinner. God, as our heavenly Father, is who we should ultimately trust. And guys, choosing to live by God's word may also be trustworthy.

Ultimately, it is the Lord that should be trusted with our heart. We must seek Him and His word to find out who else to share it with. The Lord has graciously provided us with the Bible, full of descriptions of what to look for in a guy -- just read Ephesians 5:21-33 to see what is a expected of a husband. If a guy demonstrates this sort of character with his friends and family, you will be off to a good start in taking a step in trusting him with your heart as you approach marriage.

Most of all, we can also turn to older and wiser Christian counsel to see what they think about each and every relationship we consider, since we know at the onset we might respond from our wounds instead of from the truth. God has provided the body of Christ for a good purpose. In this case, that is helping the wounded find healing and wholeness again. So lean into your Christian friendships and counsel to see their perspective on the relationships in your life. Begin by trusting those closest to you, and you will learn how to trust the man God has set apart to be your husband in the future, if that is the Lord's will for you to be married. If not His desires is for you to be single, your ability to grow in trust others will certainly benefit you in other ways, too.

This question has been answered by Mrs. P.
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or any additional thoughts